Would you like a glass of Champagne?

For me the highlight of a wedding reception is the toast which is almost always accompanied by the opening of a champagne bottle. The ritual leaves me gasping with silent laughter. So much anticipation, so much fanfare, just goes to show that frankly speaking we are not in that league that drinks champagne frequently. We definitely do not belong to the ‘Great Gatsby clique’

Anyway, the Master of Ceremonies, now called the MC announces with a flourish, ‘and now Ladies and Gentlemen’ 'all the way from Dubai/ Kuwait/ London is the groom’s niece/ the bride’s cousin to open the champagne bottle and to raise a toast to the bridal couple.’ 

The champagne-bottle-opener is ushered in with great flourish, she (I saw a woman champagne-bottle-opener) is handed the bottle and we wait with eager keenness; what exactly are we waiting for? For the pop of the cork of course, the louder the pop the better, the further the cork reaches the better. Meanwhile the MC has gone wild. 

He screams, ‘what a way to go Ladies and Gentlemen, way to go Samira.’ 

And the well-dressed Samira is left with precious champagne dribbling down her forearm. 

Now whatever is left of this precious nectar is slowly poured into flutes or goblets and handed over to the Bride’s family as well as the Groom’s family; nobody else gets even a whiff of the elixir, just the select members of these two families.

But sometimes, many times when Karma is not on the champagne-bottle-opener’s side we are left with soul cringing scenes, the champagne-bottle-opener struggles with the bottle, to add to her misery, suggestions pour in from all sides, remove the foil, no no that’s not the way, pull it out slowly and gently. 

Ok. Good. 

Now gently pull out the wire cage. 

Good, gooooood yells the MC, you are getting there Samira, nearly there. 

By then the champagne-bottle-opener has lost her cool and is panicking, all the while praying silently and wildly that the #@* cork will ease out even if there is no pop, for God’s sake. 

The champagne-bottle-opener, prays silently and fervently that she will not have to place the bottle between her knees for leverage, her rear end arched and yank the cork, pop or no pop. 

Can there be a more grotesque sight?

In addition to being hilarious the champagne episode smacks of utter rudeness and crassness. We the guests, who had screamed ourselves hoarse at the behest of the MC are not given even a drop of this precious nectar. No way. It is expensive. 

Instead we are served a tiny amount of saccharine sweet, red wine in squat glasses as we make our way slowly and silently to our plastic chairs covered in cloth, our enthusiasm waning like a tiny deflated balloon.

Told you we are not in that clique for whom champagne is nothing special. Think Great Gatsby.