Wedding, only for the Famous ...

 

Oh the joy, the utter joy of it. Maria Luisa touches the piano tenderly. The piano stopped playing a tune ages back, but its highly polished surface makes a great repository for the piles upon piles of invitation cards resting on it. Invitation Cards to Weddings brought to select invitees by a member of the family.

‘Won’t you sit down for a cup of coffee?’

‘No, no, thank you ever so much, I have to go to so very many places. Do come  ahm’  

‘Yes of course.’

Invitations so lovingly and chronologically arranged, every weekend, sometimes a week day thrown in, until the end of the Wedding Season.

Oh, No. All of a sudden, a very distressed Maria Luisa realises with a tremendous shock...that they have not been invited for the Pinto-Carvalho Marriage. The Pinto-Carvalho’s son marrying the Barbosa –Melo’s daughter was the Society Wedding of the Year. Nobody would think much of you if you were not invited for this Marriage. You a Social Pariah.  Might as well join the Cloistered Nuns, if of course they wanted you. They too are pretty choosy.

This was the crème de la crème of Society in Goa.

As soon as Jose steps in the house, he hears a strident disturbed cry. Jose, Jose, querido, do you by any chance have the Pinto-Carvalho Marriage Invitation card.

Heart sinking deeply, Jose knows what is expected of him.

‘Jose everyone else has received it…’tears fill Maria Luisa’s deep brown eyes.

As anticipated a trip to Dr. Fremiot Pinto-Carvalho is arranged.

‘Boa tarde, Senhor Doutor, how are you? Busy hmm’

‘Yes, yes Jose what a pleasant surprise...’   

Jose dislikes the pompous old buffoon immensely, a small time advocate, immensely rich. What Jose hated the most about the self-important pedant was that he had an opinion about everything, from Law to Coconuts. Jose also knew that this insufferable man was enjoying the situation greatly.

People cajoling Invitations for his son’s Marriage.

That dolt of a son, Tónito, who dabbled in ‘real estate’ which entailed selling ancestral land belonging to the family to sustain a lavish life style.  

Jose, really and truly wished he could sink into a deep hole, never to see Dr. Fremiot and his wife Emilia, such snobs.

Maria Luisa takes a deep breath and in a rush, ‘just wanted to tell you, Doutor, that if there is anything you need, any help at all, my Jose is always at your service’ gushed Maria Luisa with fervour born out of desperation.

Dr Fremiot Pinto-Carvalho, really loved the power he wielded on such occasions.

He weighed his options, should he invite this gushing cretin of a woman or not. He had received many such unexpected visits, all these social climbers with just one thing on their minds, the Invitation to his son’s Marriage.

He really despised such people but absolutely loved the Power he exerted over them, even if for a short while.

To invite or not to invite, that is the question. 

A smile of malice played on his lips, he wondered, what if I say, ‘Dona Maria Luisa, Doutor Jose is a very busy man, why trouble him with such trivialities as my son’s wedding’

And leave it hanging, showing the gushing cretin that he absolutely had no desire to invite her or her husband for his son’s marriage.

Would she create a scene? Start bawling messily? The very thought of it. And his wife Emilia who prided on ‘good manners’ So instead...

 ‘Dona Maria Luisa, how kind, how thoughtful of you, such good friends.’

 ‘Emilia, Emilia, Dr. Jose and Dona Maria Luisa are here’

‘How nice of you, Maria Luisa, what is this packet? 

‘Nada, nada mesmo, Dona Emilia, just a piece of Edam cheese and cod our Sara brought back from Portugal’. 

Dr Fremiot Pinto Carvalho, smiled a delicious smile thinking, @#$& you, you disgusting cretin. But cod and cheese were lovely at any time.

‘Oh Dona Luisa, Tonito was just about to come to your house with the Invitation, but now that you are here…’ murmured Dona Emilia, also enjoying the fawning and the desperation in Dona Maria Luisa’s eyes. All of them had that mute appeal in their eyes. 

‘Of course, of course, Tonito, need worry no more, he must be so busy...’

Doutor Fremiot Pinto Carvalho and Dona Emilia shared a smile of complicity. This social climber, to what lengths would she not go...

 Ahh... The relief, the utter relief.

Dona Maria Luisa now has the precious Invitation Card to the Society Marriage, the red, gold and green invitation card to the Pinto-Carvalho; Barbosa-Melo Marriage.

Now she could brag about it to all those ‘friends’ particularly Dona Edna, that skinny #%&# who never allowed you to forget, even for a moment, her lineage.

On a closer look, Dona Maria Luisa was confused; she never really was used to a multi coloured Wedding Invitation Card and a Crest too.

She went in search of her husband, relaxing in a chair, enjoying CNN and his aperitif before dinner.

‘Jose, look at the Card, it is green, red and gold with a Crest embossed on it.’

Dr. Jose, breathes in deeply, lets out a huge guffaw of laughter. Luisa my dear, they want to remind us all that once upon a time, they had a Visconde in their family.

Oooh, a real Visconde? Such honour she thinks.

Maria Luisa breathes in a deep sigh of pure relief; she has swung it, she has now in her hand, the precious card that places her up there with the elite. She places the Invitation card right in front of her pile, patting it delicately, she has to agree with Jose though; it really is a jarring colour for an invitation Card. 

Dona Maria Luisa, loves her polished piano, she never forgets to place a vase with beautiful flowers on it, drawing attention to the invitation cards piled high.

 Invitation cards, all shapes and sizes and colours. The conventional white and ivory passé my dear, the colours this Season, blue, violet or maybe ink blue, and as in the case of the Pinto-Carvalho; Barbosa- Melo, the colours of Portugal and a Crest dating back to those times when there had been a Visconde in the Family. 

Sadly, nothing much came from the Visconde’s heirs. They turned out to be a bunch of uneducated, idle, rabble, molesting young girls in their village. 

But who doesn’t love royalty, even if they have fallen on hard times, even if nobody cares for them. A Viscount is a Viscount, whatever you may say. 

Jose works very hard as a doctor, laughs heartily, in his hand the precious Card, he in fact just cannot stop laughing. 

‘Luisa, querida have you read the Card’

She hadn’t so preoccupied was she, just getting it. The rest did not matter.

‘Do you know it’s a trilingual card?’

‘Trilingual? Echoes Dona Luisa

‘Three languages, dear on the same card. ‘Luisa, this elite card is trilingual.’ Oh, my God a card in three languages, whatever for?

‘ Maria where is this Capela de San Roque das Doenças  Infecciosas e Contagiosas?’  

 ‘It is in Loliem, Canacona, shall we skip the nuptials, have a nice hot soup and go just for the Reception?’ 

‘Skip the nuptials; are you out of your mind? No, Jose, no, you know how particular Dona Emilia is about such things; they always go for every nuptial Mass’ 

‘But Loliem? Maria...'

‘No Jose, no, you know how difficult it was to be invited’. Please Jose, please, for my sake’. 

‘Look Jose there is even a little map, with directions of how to get there, how nice, how clever, Dr. Fremiot has always been so particular, so precise. 

‘That @#$% miserable, wretched, pompous couple’, growls Jose has had the last laugh.

Tips to get the Invitation Card for the Elite Wedding of the Year.

Timing is crucial. Are the Wedding Invitations for the Elite Wedding of the Year already been distributed?

If ‘Yes’ and if you still do not have one, act fast. Prayer always help, especially prayer to St. Jude, Saint for Hopeless cases.

Have you been informed gloatingly by a friend/relative that she/he has received the Wedding Invitation for the Elite Wedding of the Year?

Then Time is running short for you, Act fast.

Get your husband on your side. Cajole, threaten, use your wiles. Do whatever it takes for him to be on your side. Beat down his resistance.

After the Husband has succumbed to your cajoling, whining;

‘Querido everyone has been invited for the Elite Wedding of the Year, only we are not invited’.

Get him to meet the Groom’s Parents or the Brides’ Parents.

Now you have to know at least one of the Parents.

Be careful that you do not choose someone who will reject you outright.  Careful who you choose. This is of Great Importance.

Coach your husband. Here the pitfalls are many and varied.

Here goes;

Were the Groom’s/Brides’ family elite but impoverished and now rich as Midas with no visible source of Income?

Instruct your husband not to ask them, ‘whatever happened to that Island you owned in Betul?’

Do not allow your husband to say, under pain of death, ‘were you in Politics with...’

If one of the Parents says, ‘we are related, you know’ show deep humility that they have acknowledged your cretinous lineage and are willing to align their own elite lineage to your rock-bottom ancestry.

Humility is the key.

Take a gift, not any ladoos, barfi, peddas.

For God’s sake. Remember their lineage dates back to Afonso de Albuquerque.

Think a flagon of good Portuguese wine, the extremely prized Edam cheese with red wax paper, you can never ever fail with good cod and if you have just received a parcel of Pasteis de Nata take them.

At all times show humility, deep humility. No sass, no cockiness, no ‘my daughter Lisa is doing very well you know, she teaches at Yale.’

Resist the temptation of bragging about your children, you will have plenty of time for that ma cherie.

Refrain from asking ‘what’s your son doing? Especially when you are aware that the son sold that huge property in Varca to the Ramada’s and now has a Ferrari to show for it.

Humility. Can I repeat it often enough.

Praise their House.

The décor of the House, even if entire walls are plastered with ersatz ‘Macau’ blue and white China, that you are sure come from a shop in Panjim, which sourced it from Guangzhou, China.

Eat anything offered to you, even if its ten days old cake, or stale beer left over from someone else’s glass slowly decanted for you. Do not gag or puke. Eat it. Drink it. Visualise the ultimate goal, meine Liebling, the Wedding Invitation for the Elite Wedding of the Year.

No pain, no gain. A few hours well spent will earn you the Invitation Card for the Elite Wedding of the Year.  

Once in possession of this precious ticket to the Elite Wedding of the Year,  @#$% the elite. You have arrived.